14. Charming

My apologies for this extremely late addition to my blog. A combination of being occupado at work and being under the charm of the television show Once Upon a Time have delayed this posting. But fear not! For I come bringing an excellent resource!

But first… have you watched the television show Once Upon a Time? It centres around a small town full of fairy tale characters trapped without their magical abilities, like casting charms on people, nor any recollection of their backstories; characters include Snow White, The Evil Queen, Rumplestiltskin, and Prince Charming. The show is a guilty pleasure, with good writing, and a good mix of campy and enthralling acting. It has a certain Charm about it. Speaking of “Charm”, what is  “Charm” exactly?

Looking at its word history, “Charm” is related to the word “Chant“, which in turn, comes from Latin “Canere” meaning “to sing”. In English, it means more of a monotonous repetitive singing, like those of monks’ prayers. Prayers and other repetitive chants and charms came with magical baggage. So it is no wonder that we come to see charm as a mysterious force with supernatural properties. 

The Secret Behind the Magic

But let’s ground it in reality. In Brian Tracy and Ron Arden’s book, The Power of Charm, they state “True charm…[is] that ability some people have to create extraordinary rapport that makes others in their presence feel exceptional…[with] an engaging quality to which we respond…”

The book is a short (only 145 pages), and powerful read (you can implement the changes immediately). There are nitty-gritty details such as eye movement/eye contact and body language cues which can be practiced and implemented to maximize comfort for whomever you converse with. But the more advanced techniques which could always stand to be perfected and tweaked include when to stay quiet, and when to speak; and most importantly what kind of feedback to give back to your fellow converser.

Make It About Them

One of the most powerful nuggets of wisdom found in the book is the let go of the need to control the conversation. Most often, when we have an agenda, we have this push from within to direct the conversation to what we wish to talk about. Part of charm is being a selfless conversationalist and allowing people to express their thoughts. One of the most interesting insights after reading the book is that often people who find us charming may not know much about us; this is because those with charm enthrall others by allowing others to express themselves around the charming individuals and not overpower their conversation partners with their own opinions. Think about someone who you find charming. Can you understand why you feel so comfortable around them?

http://www.briantracy.com/catalog/the-power-of-charm

13. Having a Personal Narrative

Canadian author Thomas King once said “The truth about stories is, that’s all we are.” In other words, we are all made up of the stories of our past and the stories we tell other people.

This is very true when you think about how often the stories we tell other people reinforce our own emotions, motives and paths in life.

In Romeo and Juliet, by Shakespeare, the play opens with our lovelorn protagonist pining over  the beautiful Rosalind, who has rejected Romeo; he spends the day moping about convincing himself that he will never know so beautiful or perfect a woman.

Or consider the heroic Harry Potter who, upon learning of his past, his magical abilities, and his destiny, embodies the role of magical super-sleuth.

These stories we tell ourselves become internalized, and, just as Romeo and Harry are convinced of their fate, so, too, can we lock ourselves in by accepting a narrative about us, good or bad.

How do we go about (re)writing our own story about ourselves? Well, there are three things that need to happen: we have to live it, we have to say it to ourselves, and internalize our narrative. We have to build a story about ourselves, one that is cohesive, and can guide us in our goal setting.

How do you flip the switch from negative to positive?

I remember a few years back there was a celebrity (I think it was John Meyer) who had a video leaked of his own private Positive Affirmations. He sounded a bit like a narcissist saying things like (and I paraphrase) “you are beautiful! You are perfect!” And while I do think that he was going about it the wrong way, I feel like he was onto something. Keeping a personal journal (one that preferably does not get leaked) where you write our your goals, efforts, improvements, and accomplishments is a great way to see how much you have improved!

This in turn helps you to begin writing out, living, and eventually internalizing your narrative, that is, your personal story about yourself.

Begin with small improvements: “Working out at least 4x a week; make bolder claims: “Impress the boss this month”; write out your ‘destiny’: “Retire with enough to travel every year.”

Please note that this is not junk self-help like “The Secret” or some similar pseudo-scientific “Power of Positive Thinking”/wish fulfillment. This is actually having goals in mind and taking the steps necessary to making them manifest.

Even Romeo resolved to go to a party where he would meet the girl of his dreams (forget how they both died… you cynics); and the Great Harry Potter was just another student of magic before fulfilling his destiny.

We all have trials and tribulations; it’s how we view them, and if we keep track of the improvements we are making that will ultimately determine our perspective.

Here are some other perspectives on Personal Narrative:

Elan Morgan: Personal Narrative and Self-Doubt

Robert Tercek: Reclaiming Personal Narrative (picks up at 8mins)

Susan Conley – Power of Story

12. On Not Caring and Letting Go of Control

Living with family has its perks; no rent, home-cooked food, the company; but there are things that can also irritate you. These include excessive noise, little personal space, and having to guard things you find valuable from people who do not hold the same opinion of those same items.

I once came home to find the entire living room rearranged, the television moved, and with that, my video game system dismantled and the console and wires carelessly tossed into a storage closet buried under items much heavier than it, that could easily damage it. I spent nearly $400 of my own hard-earned cash on these things, yet it did not faze those living with me. They justified their actions by simply stating that loose wires didn’t look nice just laying about. Try as I might, I could not convince them that a sophisticated and expensive gaming system was anything but loose wires unaesthetically strewn about. This made me upset because I could not communicate to them that my opinion also mattered and that they could not simply dictate their decisions with no consultation with me. Out of frustration, and an argument brewing, I gave up. Even now, writing this, it makes me upset knowing that my opinion mattered little.

But…that must have been 3 or 4 years ago.

Today, I came into the living room, much like that distant afternoon, and saw the couch and television rearranged. And, you know what? I didn’t care. In fact, a part of me appreciated the change, not because of the resignation that it’s something that I expect from those living with me, but because I tried to see the positive in the rearrangement. The sectional couch had been changed from a t.v.-centric L-shape to a much more conversation friendly U-shape.

I have tried during this past year to let go of my incessant need to care about what others do. In her book, Defining Decade, clinical psychologist Meg Jay, PhD, talks to people in their 20s and early 30s about how the economy has somewhat stunted our emotional and socioeconomic growth.  Many of us are currently struggling to start our careers, and become independent. This leads us to living with and depending on family well up to and sometimes even past our 30s. In terms of the human animal, this is unnatural and unhealthy. Many of us are struggling to gain ownership of our destinies while having to live under our parents’ roofs. Many have sworn off relationships until we gain autonomy. Some of us, out of frustration, lash out at those closest to us. But this will ultimately not gain us anything.

Keep your eye on the prize

We need to know what our ultimate goal is, and gain, what Dr. Jay calls, Identity Capital and Social Capital. The first lets us take inventory of what we have: friends, dreams, choice of career, etc; the second is required to fill in the gap to achieve our dreams and careers and gain social connections to that end, such as meeting people with common interests.

Back to the U-shaped couch

The couch, much like the video game system, much like any minor nuisance in life, is a symptom of this much larger lack of ownership of one’s life. We lose focus of our path and focus instead on tiny, side issues because, really, the major issue is personal fulfillment, which is hard to achieve. By looking at Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs, we can gain some insight as to why we allow ourselves to lose focus of the end-game. We wish to be Self-Actualized, but we have not climbed the mountain past Love and Belonging (some of us, sadly, start even lower than that!)

Stop caring about that U-Shaped couch and focus on what matters. You can buy your own couch and another gaming system one day (or whatever you want out of life). In order to gain independence you have to start living for yourself!

This does not mean becoming an uncaring jerk; on the contrary, you have to care, but about yourself first and foremost! Put yourself first; give yourself permission to say “I love me first, then I love others.” Make decisions that you feel right with and that are right for you! Let other people gossip if they wish. It is no use trying to control others’ opinions (see the Anthony Hopkins quote below). At the end of the day, you and only you can take care of yourself! You are your most important priority!

*I have talked about this topic before, but I wanted to share the couch story and the resource of Dr Meg Jay’s Defining Decade. Here is a WikiHow on some great advice about how and when not to care.*

For anyone who is between 16-30, please do read Meg Jay’s Defining Decade.  Better you read it sooner than later. It is an essential for gaining insight as to how to go about directing your 20s and not end up in an existential crisis at 30.

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11. Gaining a new life skill

Childhood vs. Adolescence

In my line of work the greatest challenge is to get young people interested in taking on challenges. There is always resistance.

I remember reading an article (citation will be found once searched) that said that when we were all little kids, 12 and younger, we loved taking on challenges and did not particularly care for what those around us thought of us. Playing video games as a kid was a chance to explore ways to manipulate the laws of the game universe to win. But something weird happens when we become teenagers.

Our brains requires social acceptance. In middle school and high school, teen culture teaches us what those around us think matters. We started to question our judgement and look to those around us for approval.

Personal story segment

I vividly recall a group of so-called popular girls in grade eight who criticized my friend’s economic outfit in comparison to my Adidas gear. But my friend felt devastated and even though I stood up for her, I could not help but feel a little elated in the recognition of my “threads”. It is not something I look back on fondly; my current self wants to slap my past self. But that is the way socialization works.

Stopping the cycle

We need to realize that what others around us think does not matter. When it comes to gaining life skills, others’ mockery should never play any part because their limitations and their willingness to act as sheep will contain their life experiences in a very narrow field of play. For those who wish to expand their life experiences, we need to first recognize that we only have one life to live and we have to make the most of it in the here and now.

Steps to take

This means that we must first want to commit to a personal goal.

Next, we must start the learning process, and simultaneously realize that it will not be an easy road. If we’re still in are early to mid twenties, our brain has not completely finished developing its prefrontal cortex. As such, we can still learn many complex things, including languages, math skills, and playing an instrument. However, even if we’re past the point of maximum cerebral elasticity, the brain can still learn, though, not nearly as quickly as it would have earlier. But we must recognize this in order to progress to the next step.

Practice regularly and have specific targets in mind. Learning the piano? Pick an easy piece (like Chopsticks… or Ruff Ryders’ Anthem) and practice it ad nauseum to the point of near mastery.

As you get better, pick much more complex works and try them out. You may feel like you have plateaued, but don’t let it discourage you. You might not be the best musician, or linguist, or mathematician, but you will at least have done well for yourself.

Keep it up, Ace! You’re on your way!

A more detailed article can be found here at lifehacker.com.

Don’t remember what it was like being a kid and having first time experiences? Put yourselves in her shoes:

10!! Instant Confidence (Life Hack)

I have had my current job position extended for a bit, and am very happy about it. I had worked very hard at this position and am glad to have been given an extension on the assignment. It had been my last job interview, though I had felt very confident about the last three interviews I had attended.

The funny thing is I began feeling confident after having seen Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on body language and what, she termed, “power poses”, in which she demonstrates how to be more comfortable and in one’s element.

Essentially what her research found was posing in a “dominant” manner for as little as two minutes before a stressful task lowered one’s cortisol levels (a stress hormone) and increased testosterone (associated with asserting confidence and dominance); this is in contrast to poses of weakness which have the exact opposite effect.

Quite fascinating that it is so simple. A power pose is any pose in which you make yourself appear bigger by using your limbs to take up more space; a pose of weakness, on the other hand, is any where you close yourself, and become smaller, such as hugging yourself or slouching.

I had begun “power posing” before interviews, not reviewing notes and continued with a more relaxed, “bigger” posture during the interviews–bigger but not obnoxious. It is truly an instant confidence booster; I felt relaxed and confident during said interviews.

Check out her inspirational talk about “faking it till you make it” as she extends the ream of possibilities for what are essentially small changes in our thinking into big changes (very reminiscent of Dweck’s Growth Mindset).

9. Making Dreams Real

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same” – Carlos Castaneda

This post is inspired by Wong Fu productions’ video Which Life Will You Live?

Dreams

We all have dreams; big dreams. Some of us want fame and recognition — we chase after careers like acting, writing, or politics; some want wealth, and become business people, entrepreneurs, or CFOs; some simply want a family, and we search for love, stability, harmony. Regardless of our lots in life, we all dream of something much bigger.

What the faiths have to say

In Buddhism, the cause of suffering is attachment to the world and to our desires. The way to end suffering is to end desire. In Sikhism, there is a saying “Nanak Dukhia Sab Sansaar”, or “O Nanak, the entire world is depressed”. I am not religious by a long shot but these two points from Buddhism and Sikhism do provide us with some insight into human psychology–faiths, after all, are designed to help people in their times of need.

I have discussed this gap between our expectations and our reality in a previous post. What do we do when what we wish to attain is far from where we are?

I feel like the above two examples of religious advice are not very good at all. They tell us to relinquish worldly desires and hope for a better afterlife. Let’s for a moment assume that there is an afterlife; what guarantee do we have that it is going to fulfill our desires? Let’s assume that paradise is amazing? So why are we even wasting our time making advances in this world? If it was an established fact that the afterlife was a true fulfillment of all our desires and dreams, then how many of us would bother remaining here? How many of us have resolved to leave the world due to the promise of a better hereafter?

Here and Now

That’s the end of my afterlife rant; now let’s focus on the here and now. From this moment forward, I want you to think that this life is the only chance you will get! Empirically speaking, this is our only shot. So why not make it count? Why not go for our heart’s desires? Yes, many of us will not attain star status; mathematically speaking that is highly improbable on a planet of 7 billion plus people. But, it’s kind of like the lottery: if you don’t play you have no chance at winning. But unlike the lottery, which sucks up hard-earned cash for an unlikely promise of instant riches, chasing your dreams, however improbable that you will succeed, will be fulfilling.

Getting your ducks in order

Forget that the Buddha wants you to give your desires up; keep your desires, keep your dreams, and make it a reality for yourself! Pursue your dreams with passion, commitment and sincerity. Make time for your dreams; make them a reality. It’s not an overnight process. Sometimes it’s not even a comfortable process. Are you willing to take that step and pursue your passion? Do not leave your dreams to chance or faith. Action and the growth mindset trump both!

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8. Prioritizing Your Happiness (hint: Prioritize Yourself!)

Teacher’s Perspective

As I stated, I have worked as a high school teacher; it’s a rewarding and challenging career path. However, one of the greatest challenges that came with it was getting students to focus on what was important! They tend to focus on the immediate gratification of hanging out with friends, rather than focusing on future-oriented thinking. There is actually a lot of science to back up this point, and more can be read at How Stuff Works.

There was a speaker who had come in to one of the schools I was working at and for the life of me I cannot remember his name right now. But his speech to the kids was to prioritize their lives. He wanted them to make decisions which would be beneficial to them in the long run. I paraphrase “When your friends ask you to go to the cafeteria, but you want to go try out for the dance club… make your own decision and don’t be swayed by your peers.”

I appreciate the sentiment behind these words, and hopefully some of them did listen. But let’s face it… you don’t have to be a teenager to realize how strong social pressure can be when it comes to decision making when peer pressure is involved. Decision making can also be tough when it comes to choosing between something hard (like working out) vs something easy (staying sedentary). How can we get past these issues?

Goal Setting

An important part of making decisions is setting your goals and your purpose for achieving those goals. In Laura Vanderkam’s 168 Hours she talks about core competencies, things which we are inherently good at, and how to use these to establish our goals. Perhaps you are a good writer, and you wish to write a book; great! Goals and core competencies should go hand in hand if you wish for results relatively quickly. What is important to you?

However, let’s say you wish to learn Mandarin and you are now 26 years old and have never spoken a lick of any other language other than English. This is still possible. Even if language learning is not your core competency, the growth mindset, as discussed in Carol Dweck’s Mindset, is a great tool to achieve it.

I have discussed these tools and techniques in previous posts, hyperlinked in this article, but if you have not read them, please do take a moment! I have tried to scaffold my blog so as to talk about these issues in a step-by-step manner.

Ultimately, the goals you set should be meaningful to your life, putting yourself first. I discussed in my previous post the importance of making yourself a priority. In order to truly achieve a goal, you have to constantly remind yourself “Is this in MY best interest?”

How to Prioritize Happiness

Along with asking yourself if something is in your best interest, you should ask yourself another question when you make a decision. “Do I love myself enough to do this for me?”

Here’s poet Ashley Wylde, on YouTube, who did a spoken word session about how to love oneself. Her technique is to look in the mirror, and as awkwardly but meaningfully connect with yourself and say “I love you.” She explains how the exercise over the course of months became natural, meaningful, and sincere.

We should all care about ourselves, and often we think we do. But take a look at the decisions you are making. Are you really in control of them? Or are you letting yourself be controlled by those around us? Make happiness a goal!

“Do I love myself enough to do this for me?”

7. Waves of Hubris vs. Loving Yourself (Slightly different from my usual posts)

Sometimes it feels like life is at a quiet, sedentary lull. You go about your daily routine, day by day, week by week, accepting that this is your current lot.

This was certainly me for the past 3 months. I have been keeping a relatively stable and a somewhat quiet existence. But beneath the doldrums there has been plenty of tectonic activity in my mind. Some of the activity has been my practice of what has been dubbed Rejection Therapy, whereby you seek out new experiences, failure be damned. But alongside those experiences is also my attempt at actively improving my circumstances (such as my creative venture back into writing).

My doldrums have recently ended. I am working at a job right now whose contract is set to expire by the end of this month; I am not looking forward to leaving as it has been a great gig. Even more frustrating are the interviews for new jobs and the rejections therein. I would like to think that the experiences I have gained up to date set me apart from most other candidates, but maybe that is my own hubris. I have had two job interviews and have been usurped by a better candidate for the role each time. I now have a couple of choices in front of me:

Give in to sadness and cry woe is me?

Or, keep fighting the good fight until a chance to show my quality is given to me.

I choose the latter, not because the former is pathetic, but because I love myself too much to have any other choice. If there is one thing that has kept me motivated to keep writing these blogs, keeping on working out, and keeping on keepin’ on with Rejection Therapy it’s that I am the only one who can truly look after myself. Read that sentence again. If that doesn’t spray cold water into our self-obsessed Pity Parties then nothing will! At the end of the day, we need to take care of Number 1; this isn’t to say that we have to be selfish. That is entirely distorting the message. What I mean is we are truly the masters of our own happiness; we need to treat ourselves right, and we need to ensure that we are taken care of before we can help the world or take care of others. Many of us fall into patterns of bad relationships, addictions, and other negative conducts. These are all, at the root of it, symptoms of our own lack of love for ourselves, a highlighting of the fact that we feel we are worthless unless approved by others. But if we resolve to take a stand and say “Before I help so and so with such and such, I need to do this for me” then you are on the right track for personal growth.

I had someone very special and dear to me contact me recently. She expressed this very need to better herself… to love herself before she could love others. She inspired me to write this today. So this is my early article for this week, dedicated to my friend. I want to let her know that I get where she is coming from because I am on that same journey myself. So here’s to her… and to my plethora of job interviews.

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6. Procrastination and Time Management

In my previous post, I mentioned how one of symptoms of the fixed mindset is perfectionism which can lead to procrastination. It’s one thing to tell yourself that you are now adopting a growth mindset but quite another thing to actually follow through with it. The best method of adopting a growth mindset is to allow yourself to grow into it. You need not be perfect. Rejection Therapy is an excellent way to get used to being rejected.
One of the ways in which Jason Comely recommends we practice Rejection Therapy is through the Rejection Game. The object of the game is to get rejected. That’s how you win! It doesn’t have to be huge. Check out my second blog post again if you need tips on how to go about doing this.
I know I sound like a bit of a broken record, so here are some new tips on how to beat procrastination. One of the excuses that many people make when it comes to getting stuff done is lack of time. The old “if only there were more hours in a days” cliché is a variation of this sort of thinking. In her book 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam, the myth of being too busy is scrutinized. Turns out many of us aren’t using our time as wisely as we could be. So that whole “who has time to hit the gym” or “I have no time for side projects, I’m way too busy” is shown to be entirely bogus. In her book, she suggests a subtle but powerful paradigm shift: instead of thinking we only have 24 hours in a day, prioritize your work week and say think that we have 168 hours in the week. It might not seem like much on the surface, but putting it into practice shows it to be quite powerful. She has activity sheets on her website, one of which records our every action every half an hour for a full week. Are you really using your time wisely? Or are internet cats taking up way too much time in your daily life?
Why am I talking about time management when all I have talked about lately is rejection? Because all those projects and hobbies that you keep putting off in your life can lead to happiness and satisfaction in life.

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5. Accepting Personal Flaws

Fixed Mindsets and bad habits

Being able to acknowledge that we are not perfect but a constant work in progress (keyword: constant) is an important step toward the adoption of a growth mindset. A friend linked me to a blog by the Harvard Business Review on a couple of ways that people react negatively toward rejection: Entitlement and Resignation. I will discuss how both of these reactions are two different but equally destructive forms of the fixed mindset. The fixed mindset, if you recall, is the belief that one is incapable of changing and growing in accordance to life’s demands.

Entitlement

Entitlement is the (arrogant) belief that one deserves a reward for a job well done. For example: a person works really hard to get an important project off the ground; they then feel entitled to a promotion. When the promotion does not arrive, or someone else gets promoted in lieu of them, they feel resentment. Even a growth mindset person can feel these sentiments; however a fixed mindset person will fixate on gap between their expectations and the reality of the situation. Their mental schema involves them being awesome, and they simply cannot understand why they would not be recognized for being awesome, whereas a growth mindset person would accept what has happened and treat the work on the project as a learning experience.

Resignation

The resignation reaction is very similar to entitlement, though behaviorally seems different; it still is a symptom of a fixed mindset. Resignation people believe that they have brilliant ideas, but don’t tell them to anyone for fear of rejection. Many perfectionists are guilty of this one for fear of churning out a less than perfect product. Resignation prevents us from achieving our full potential because we don’t put ourselves out there to make mistakes and learn from them.

Conclusion

People who recognize areas in their lives where they are exhibiting either Entitlement or Resignation thought processes should consider practicing Rejection Therapy and allow themselves to adopt the growth mindset.

Sidenote

People can have both fixed and growth mindsets about different areas in their lives. You might have a growth mindset when it comes to your athleticism, but fixed for your math skills. Really try and explore the areas where you feel you have a fixed mindset and consider putting yourself out there. Who knows? You may surprise yourself!

P.S.

In my last blog I mentioned professor Carol Dweck’s book Mindset which talks about people’s reactions toward setbacks falling under two camps: fixed mindset and growth mindset. The book is a quick, easy, and fascinating read, chock-full of researchy goodness. Here is an interview she done with the podcast cast I Like You (enjoy!)